Whom Can You Depend on in Life?

Posted on November 6, 2011 by Mike

Whom can you depend on in life? It’s tempting to reply with some absolute answer like “no one”, “only yourself” or “God”, depending on your beliefs, but I think that honest reply requires going deeper.

“To be able to depend on someone” as I understand it, is to have the belief that someone or something will “be there for you”, when you need them. This is a belief, not a fact, which means that this is something that is part of your mind – much more than an objective reality. But of course your beliefs are formed in response to whatever life “has taught you”.

For example, I have warm, loving parents, that despite many conflicts that we had over the years, have imprinted in me a kind of belief that I can rely on their support, if I need it. But I know people for whom parents are a constant source of grievance and disappointment, and they obviously don’t have this belief that they can depend on their parents. Other people, who have been let-down multiple times by different people in their lives develop a strong belief that you can depend on no-one, and you must survive by yourself.

Regardless of what life has imprinted in you, I think we should strive for a certain mind-set that is beneficial for successful and happy life. And it entails two things: openness to vulnerability and interdependence:

  • Openness to vulnerability means that we accept our vulnerability, and stop viewing it as a weakness. This enables us to develop intimacy and deep, satisfying relationships.
  • Interdependence means that we have a certain maturity regarding our place in the world. This means that we are responsible for own life, not blaming others for our actions and decisions, and being independent in our thinking. But in the same time, we realize that by joining other people, we can achieve so much more: joy and happiness by sharing love with our partner, realization of creative projects by sharing ideas with colleagues, changing society by forging solidarity with fellow citizens.

So in the end, the question of “whom you can depend on”, should be transformed to “are you willing to stand on you own, but knowing also that you have to rely on others to achieve bigger things?” And you might be let-down, and you might be disappointed. But these obstacles are part of the way, and they eventually may help you grow and develop into the only person you need to become: yourself

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2 Типичные ошибки в выборе спутника жизни

Posted on July 31, 2011 by Mike

павлины - два партнераВыбрать спутника жизни ни так-то просто, не так ли? Эмоции, ожидания, бессознательные поведения, воспоминания от предыдущих отношений – бесконечный хор голосов, говорящих нам что делать, и конечно противоречащих друг другу. Так где нам найти ясность так необходимую нам, чтобы сделать правильный выбор? Давайте рассмотрим две распространенные ошибки, и простую модель отношений, которая возможно поможет нам немного разобраться во всём этом.

“Не могу жить с ней, не могу жить без нее”

“Я так сильно люблю его, и все же он делает меня несчастным”. “Я люблю её, но она заставляет меня страдать”. Как часто мы слышим подобные жалобы наших друзей о плачевном состоянии их драматической любовной жизни. Страстные но конфликтные партнёры запутавшиеся друг в друге, они, кажется, не в состоянии ни пойти вперед и ни оставить друг друга.

Часто очень разные по темпераменту, эти партнеры очаровывают друг друга своим различием. Новинка, страсть и радость вспыхнувшей искры сбивают с ног. Краткосрочные отношения такого типа становятся незабываемыми – эмоциональная и драматическая встреча двух душ скучающих по романтике.

Но в конце концов, драма бурного романа должна отступить и дать место интимности взаимной нежности и понимания. Но может ли это произойти, когда отношения были построены на притягивании разности двух полюсов, а не на балансе более глубоких потребностей и способности дать партнёров? Ее остроумный цинизм привлекателен, но может ли она предложить слова поддержки, которые ему действительно нужны? Его бравая уверенность в себе заманчива, но может ли он дать ей понимание которого ей так не хватает?

Когда двух людей сильно тянет другу к другу, но они ни имеют необходимой подходимости, отношения ждет блёклое будущее, поскольку в них не учтены основные потребности партнеров. Но так как влечение очень значительно, от этих отношений трудно уйти. Выбор здесь между страданиями в периуд расставания , и глубоким разочарованием и сожалением много лет спустя.

“Он будет хорошим отцом”

Если эмоций и страсти не достаточно чтобы сделать правильный выбор, может быть стоить подключить холодный разум, взвесить все плюсы и минусы, измерить хорошее и плохое, и тогда получить окончательный ответ?

Выбор, основанный на попытке сделать рациональную оценку сильных и слабых сторон партнера, является проблематичным. Попытаться “замерить” и “рассчитать” выбор на основе набора критериев, которыми партнеры “обеспечивают” друг друга это игнорировать нематериальное, эмоциональное, и неявное измерение отношений. Спрашивать “хорош ли он для меня” это не то же самое, что спросить, “хорошо ли мне с ним”, и поэтому выбор который основывается исключительно на практической стороне отношений по своей природе ограничен, и партнеры которые сосредотачиваются на ней идут на компромисс относительно того, что они ожидают от отношений.

Часто это сознательный компромисс – люди уставшие от поиска партнера, не желая больше ждать “того самого” могут решить, что пришло время остановится на “подходящем” кандидате, даже если он / она не будят глубоких эмоции. И это вполне понятно, и часто оправданно.

Но то же самое мышление часто применяется в уже существующих, глубоко укоренившихся отношениях. Люди говорят что-то вроде «он не совершенен, но он будет хорошим отцом», «она будет удобной женой”. Что эти слова действительно означают? Они означают, что эти люди делают компромисс, предпочитая подходимость влечению. Они означают, что в отношениях в значительной мере отсутствуют магнетизм и влечение, но присутствует известная степень подходимости, основанная на взаимно-дополняющих чертах характера и общей истории. К сожалению, часто эти рассуждения не в полном степени осознанны, и используется как предлог, чтобы оправдать нежелание делать изменения и рисковать неопределенностью, предпочитая сегодняшний комфорт над завтрашним счастьем. Это нерешительный выбор.

Союз Влечения и Подходимости

Влечение о когда вы испытываете сильные чувства к вашему партнеру. Подходимость это когда вы понимаете что ваш партнёр вам подходит. Отношения без первого удобны но бездушны, отношения без второго это бесконечная драма взаимно причиненных страданий. Так что при выборе спутника жизни, давайте рассмотрим наши эмоции, давайте осознаем наши потребности. И сделаем выбор. Сознательный, смелый выбор.

“Живите из вашего воображения, а не из вашего прошлого” – Стивен Кови

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2 Common Mistakes in Choosing a Life Partner

Posted on July 20, 2011 by Mike

choosing a life partnerChoosing a life  partner isn’t easy, is it? Emotions, expectations, unconscious patterns, memories from previous relationships – an endless choir of voices, telling us what to do, contradicting each other of course. So where can we get the clarity needed to make the right choice concerning our life partner? Let’s discuss two common mistakes, and a simple perspective that might help.

“Can’t live with her, can’t live without her”

“I love him so much, and yet he makes me so miserable”. “I love her , but she makes me suffer”. How often we hear our friends complain in these words about the miserable affair of their dramatic love life. Passionate but conflicted lovers entangled in each other, they seem unable to move ahead or move away from the relationship

Often very different in their temperament, these partners fascinate each by their difference. Novelty, passion and joy are in abundance and love seems to flourish. Such connections make a fabulous short-term romance – dramatic, emotional and unforgettable meeting of two souls yearning for romance.

Eventually, the drama of the initial spark has to make place for the  intimacy of mutual tenderness and understanding. But how can it, when the relationship is constructed on the excitement of different poles attracting each other, not on a balance of deeper needs and capacities to give of each partner? Her witty cynicism is attractive, but can she offer the words of support that he really needs? His masculine self-confidence is alluring, but can he give her the understanding she so desires?

When two people share a great deal of attraction but lack a necessary fit, the relationship faces a bleak future, as it doesn’t address partners’ essential needs. But since the attraction is so strong, it’s also difficult to walk away from it. The choice here is between a heartache today and a deep dissatisfaction and regret years from now.

“He will make a good father”

If emotion and passion aren’t enough to indicate the right choice, maybe the answer is to use a cold judgement, weighting in and out all the pros and cons, measuring the good and the bad to get a definitive answer?

A choice based on an attempt to make a rational evaluation of the strengths and weaknesses of a partner is problematic. To try to quantify and rationalize the choice, based on a set of criteria that the partner is “providing” is to disregard the intangible, emotional, implicit dimension of the connection. Asking “is he good for me” is not the same as asking “does he make feel good”, and so an examination that is based solely on the practical side of the relationship is inherently limited, and partners that focus on it are making a compromise as to what they expect from the relationship.

Often it is a conscious compromise – people tired of looking for a partner, unwilling to wait any longer for the right one to appear may decide that it’s time to settle down on a “workable” candidate, even if he/she doesn’t stir a deep emotion. And this is perfectly understandable, and often justified.

But the same thinking is often applied in an already existing, deeply-rooted relationship. People say things like “he isn’t perfect, but he will make a good father”, “she will make a faithful wife”. What these words really mean? They mean that these people are making a compromise, choosing fit over emotion. They mean that the relationship lacks a significant measure of attraction, magnetism or enchantment, but has a reasonable fit, based on complimentary traits and mutual history. Unfortunately, often this reasoning isn’t fully conscious, and it is used as an excuse to justify the unwillingness to risk change and uncertainty, choosing today’s comfort over tomorrow’s happiness. This is a half-hearted choice.

Marriage of Attraction and Fit

Attraction is about having strong feelings for your partner. Fit is about realizing that he/she is right for you. A relationship without the first is comfortable but soulless, relationship without the second is a never-ending drama of mutually-inflicted suffering. So when choosing a life partner, let’s examine our emotions, let’s realize our needs. And let’s make choices. Conscious, courageous choices.

“Live out of your imagination, not your history” – Steven Covey

 

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A Cure for our Fear of Death

Posted on July 10, 2011 by Mike

cure for our fear of deathIn Woody Allen’s “Midnight in Paris”, the protagonist complaints  that he doesn’t know whether he should marry his fiancee, and whether he loves her at all. The reply he gets from a fictional Ernest Hemingway contains the most brilliant lines in the movie (quoting from memory):

When you make love to her, do you feel immortal? Because if you don’t, you don’t really love her. When a man makes love to a woman he loves, he isn’t afraid of death anymore – in that moment he is immortal.

The Fear

We all destined to die, and there isn’t anything we can do about it. We are born with our own destruction built into us. What makes this universal condition of any living organism truly tragic for us, is the fact that we are aware of it. But the more we avoid thinking about it, the more we try to cover up our anxiety with distractions the more likely are they to resurface later as a neurosis.

Somewhat paradoxically, our fear of dying becomes especially unbearable when we aren’t living. When we feel that our life passes us by, and we are just lifeless robots in it, executing scripts, going through the motions, without passion, excitement or curiosity – it’s then that our fear of death becomes intolerable.

On the other hand, have you ever met a happy person who is preoccupied with thoughts about death? Isn’t that curious that someone who has seemingly “more to lose” is less anxious about the whole thing?

The Cure

Woody Allen hints to the answer. There is a cure to the fear of death, and it’s love. Love creates a bond between us and an object outside ourselves, and transforms us. We are no longer the lonely, isolated, wretched creatures, terrified of our final little tragedy. Instead, we become part of something larger then us, that which will survive our death – in our children, in our deeds, in our causes, in the days we made our lovers happy.

When we love, we live. And when we live, truly live our lives – death loses its terrifying power over us.

Today, however, we are having a hard time living because we are so bent on outwitting death – Simone de Beauvoir

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Are We Suffering From Generosity Deficit?

Posted on June 19, 2011 by Mike

emotional generosity deficitHave you ever made something creative, something you put your soul into, only to get cold indifference from your friends? Have you ever shared something very personal and significant, only to receive deafening silence? Have you ever ventured into something new, maybe recklessly, but courageously, only to receive trivial advice, instead of the much needed emotional support and understanding?

Then you’ll know what I mean, when I say that we all suffer from generosity deficit.

Emotional generosity is very simple to exercise – it’s simply about sharing a couple of sincere, warm words, or gestures with a person that might be in need of validation and encouragement. So why is it that so often we withhold this essential human gift?

Awareness

We often get so caught up in the daily business of our lives, that we miss when people around us are in need of our attention. We are so involved in our little problems and worries, that it seems that we don’t have any time or energy left to notice anyone’s troubles. But raising the head from time to time, and checking out on the people in our lives really isn’t that hard – all it takes is the realization that we all have a role to play in someone’s life. Role, that goes far beyond social gatherings and gossip chatter. Once we realize that our role must go beyond being a bored spectator in the theater of people’s lives, generosity should come naturally.

Confidence

When my friend got his first girlfriend, I found it very difficult to be genuinely happy for him – I was too busy feeling inadequate about my own personal life. Often, people’s ventures and achievements shine a light on our own insecurities  – we compare our own ambition and achievements to theirs, and we don’t like the result. But realizing that our inability to be generous is a result of our own dissatisfaction with our place in life, can help us overcome this immaturity, and as a result, rise in our own eyes.

Experience

The most generous people I met were always those that have been through much. Those, whose lives have put them though trying circumstances, who experienced firsthand the value of good word, supporting gesture, a sincere smile and a hug. If you have ever started a company, then you know how hard it can be to start any significant project, when you are on you own, with no confidence that anyone really needs what you do.

Next time we receive an email, see a Facebook post, or talk with a person, why don’t we check with ourselves – could this person benefit from our genuine generosity? And if he could, then let’s offer it. Without reservation, without doubting ourselves. Hell, we may even enjoy it.

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The Rise of The Conscious Organization

Posted on June 4, 2011 by Mike

Conscious Organization meetingIn my last post I talked about the evolution of man – from the blindly ambitious Traditional Man of the past, to the cynical and bored Modern man of the present to the examining and harmonious Conscious Man of the near future.

But man has always achieved progress and development by joining a collective and through it applying himself to pursue larger goals. Inevitably, the transformation of man has to lead to a transformation of his work place.

The Government

The 19th century Traditional Man applied himself through The Government. Patriotic, conforming and culturally-egocentric, he served his God and king with loyalty and self-sacrifice. The economic aspirations of governments lead to Colonialism and Imperialism which contributed to the prosperity of the developed nations, while brutally savaging the subordinated lands and people. Since truth and goodness were so obviously on his side, The Traditional Man took this to be the natural order of things.

The Corporation

The 20th century’s Modern Man’s vessel of prosperity is The Corporation. Devoid of any values, other then those that promote productivity, The Corporation is focused on profits. It suites the Modern Man’s disillusion with ideology, truth or belief. The advancement in communications and information technologies and the forces of Globalization brought cheap consumer products to almost anyone on the globe. In the process, they gave birth the Multinational Corporations, whose wealth and influence rivals those of many nations, but whose practices often bring unethical work conditions in poorer countries and unsustainable practices of natural resources consumption and waste disposal.

The Conscious Organization

The Corporation can no longer satisfy The Conscious Man’s need for meaning, authenticity, social justice and sustainability. Moreover, the information age brought to every worker the ability to own the means of production (namely laptop and Internet connectivity). As a result, businesses, governments and NGO’s have to adapt to new rules of engagement with employees and customers. They have to make place for The Conscious Organization.

Human

As technology becomes increasingly commoditized, global competition brings the prices down and the differentiation is more difficult to achieve, the only viable way for a business to succeed is to become more human: focus on a significantly better customer service, have simpler, more transparent policies, foster creativity and innovation instead or relying on rigid processes.

A more human organization needs more human employees. Instead of the by-the-book, manual-rehearsing, sleepwalking cogs, that wait for the day to end, and are eager to delegate responsibility, The Conscious Organization depends on conscious employees: those that bring themselves fully to their work emotionally and intellectually (instead of just their old-learned skills), that take initiative and solve problems (instead of simply not caring or delegating), that beleive that what they do is important (instead of just doing it for the paycheck).

Zappos, the immensely successful online shoes company offers to send you any pair of shoes for you to try, and return it anytime during a year, if you aren’t satisfied. Their customer service is legendary, and so are their HR practices.

Personal

The advancement of the Internet and the Social Media gives every customer a voice that allows him to tell the world about his experience with the business. This brings the last employees (and usually the most underpaid ones) – those that deal with the customer, to the front-end of the business. Every encounter with a customer is either an opportunity to shine or a PR crisis. The customer can’t be viewed anymore as a necessary nuisance – he has to feel that his requests and complaints are taken seriously, and he expects a real human taking care of him, not automated emails.

The success of Twitter with corporate America is a clear sign that companies try to find a way to become more personal and in-touch with the customer.

Meaningful and Authentic

The Conscious Man strives for his work to provide him not only with financial stability and social belonging but not less importantly with meaning and purpose. That’s not a whim – a man that looks for meaning in his personal life, should be expected to look for it in his work as well.  Moreover, people that are intrinsically motivated are significantly more productive than those that are motivated only by financial gain. People need to beleive that what they do is important, and companies must authentically provide that sense of meaning.

Socially Just

Since The Conscious Man expects his work to be the extension of himself, it means that The Conscious Organization can’t be neutral anymore in a social and political context, as The Corporation strives to be. The Conscious Organization has to take stance and expose it’s values in action, by supporting the struggle of the oppressed, by advocating human-rights, by promoting freedom, by leading social change.

Google’s decision to stop censor it’s search results in China showcases it’s belief in freedom and willingness to stick by it despite obvious damage to it’s profit bottom line.

Environmentally Friendly

It’s not a passing fad – being environmentally friendly is no longer an option one can choose to ignore. When employees and customers become increasingly conscious of the effect of their actions on the environment, it’s a sound business practice to strive for minimal impact. Organizations that choose to ignore this, risk their reputation and ultimately their shares price.

***

As The Conscious Man strives to creates harmonious relationships and a balanced life for himself and the people around him, he expects the same principles to be applied in the organization in which he works. Do you see this in your work-place? How conscious is the organization in which you work?

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Past, Present and Future Man – Which One Are You?

Posted on May 7, 2011 by Mike

past, present and future manWhen was the last time you had a vision? Mine occurred when I was on a plane, watching the clouds drift below me.

A Boeing 747 is making its way through the evening skies thirty thousand feet above the ground, and I see three men.  Too busy with their lives they can’t see me, but I see them. I feel I know them, we are long-time friends. One is clearly a man of the past, the second of the present. Now the third one – he is a mystery.  I want to get to know him better.

The Traditional Man
A good, reliable person, this man lives a proper life. He is focused on career, he values marriage and respects organized religion. He accepts authority and dislikes uncertainty. He has firm views on life, but they are often unexamined, since he lacks self-reflection. He is driven by ambition, but it’s often blind, passed on to him.

He doesn’t question or examine his choices often – he is not a man of doubts. He accepts, he pursues, he conquers. He can be satisfied if his life circumstances allow him to be successful. But too often he is preoccupied with pleasing others, living the life he is expected to live, losing sight of who he should be, and what can make him genuinely happy.

The Modern Man
An intelligent, forward-looking person, this man lives an informed life. He looks pragmatically at career, indifferently at marriage, sarcastically at religion. He is a nonconformist and has a great capacity for critical thinking. He neglects ideas such as ‘human nature’ or ‘right and wrong’, since for him they are all subjective and culturally-biased concepts.

He believes in total individual freedom and equality. Often it means that he is suspicious of duty or sacrifice. He is free from the dogmas and prejudice of the past – belief, family values, traditions, norms  are all signs of bad taste for him. But too often he has nothing to substitute them with, and so he preoccupies himself with healthy food, fitness, animal rights and the preservation of nature.

He lacks firm convictions about life, but has lots of anecdotal opinions. He believes in justice, but not in forgiveness. His cynicism only thinly disguises the emptiness he often feels, and protects him from failures, that inevitably accompany an engaged life of ideas and actions.

Lacking answers to the most important questions of life, he focuses on a biological existence, in which physical life is sacred, but nothing is worth living or dying for. Much too often his life oscillates between restless boredom and quiet, meaningless suffering.

The Conscious Man
This man tries to live an examined life of inner reflection and outward exploration. He sees marriage as formality but seeks partnership and harmony, career for him is just one way to do important work, religion can be uplifting if it brings unity and expands consciousness or destructive if instead it narrows the mind and divides people.

Being fully aware of man’s flaws and imperfections, he also believes in his potential for growth and change. When the Traditional Man says “it’s all God-given”, and the Modern Man says “a man is a product of his genes, upbringing and society – tough luck”, he answers “it’s all true, but man is also endowed with awareness and intelligence, with potential to transform his life, and lives of the people around him”. He isn’t interested in the question of freedom of will – it’s too academic for him. He just knows that believing that you have freedom promotes responsibility and allows potential to unfold.

He doesn’t deem himself to be in control of his life – he has no illusions about man’s limitations. But at the same time, he believes that fulfilled life is attainable: by bringing awareness and responsibility to life; by coping with doubts, not escaping them; by making choices, not avoiding them; by venturing, not standing still; by failing and quitting but not without trying.

He is proactive but not out of self-confidence or blind decisiveness, but out of a painful awareness of the finiteness of his life. He thinks about death a lot – it serves him as a constant reminder to live fully. He rarely uses words such as “destiny” or “fortune”. He is often lost at words.

He believes that man deserves a special respect and dignity. Being aware of his own imminent end, still he is trying to pursue a life of meaning and happiness… man is a tragic and a comic figure at the same time. Lost in a world devoid of any inherent meaning or order, he struggles to find meaning in relationships and projects that are doomed to fail or finish. But he struggles, never the less.

The Conscious Man is often restless and anxious but almost never bitter. He might be confused, but he admits it; he might be lost, but he is searching for his path.

***

Three men, three ways of living. In which of them you see yourself?

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Where Does Lasting Change Come From?

Posted on April 16, 2011 by Mike

look insideMy friend has just finished an army service. After serving for several years, she is getting discharged, and starting a new phase in her life. When toasting her, I mentioned something about taking the time “to look inside” and not to rush to a new venture too soon. Since noisy Russian night-club isn’t the best place to have this kind of conversations, I thought of taking it here.

When one set of certainties disappears – a job or a relationship that comes to an end, we need to take a step back, detach ourselves from our usual busy life, and take a look within. Instead of rushing forward down the familiar path of new relationships and new jobs (but how new are they really?), we should recognize this opportunity to regroup.

Looking Within

Author and lecturer Stephen Covey suggests a simple mental exercise: imagine you are at your own funeral – your body is in a casket, flowers, people dressed in black. He asks you then to write down the feelings and thoughts that it stirs in you. Which people you would like to see there? What would you want them to say? Never-mind the pathos of the situation, the goal here is to visually imagine your death as something very real and close.

He gave his class a week to think about it, and then asked them to write a paper on this experience, and how, if at all, it changed the way they look at their lives. The results were interesting – more then two thirds of the class (they were mostly young people in their twenties) wrote that they discovered how much they love their parents, and how sorry they are that their lives don’t reflect that, and how they would like to change that.

The goal of this exercise is to take a bird’s-eye view over our life, and working back from it’s end, start exploring what’s really important and meaningful to us, what lies in the core of our being, but is hidden away by the superficial busyness of our daily life. After all, how can we find our path in the world, if we don’t know who we really are? Our best guesses might be based on our parents’ expectations, our social circle’s unexamined half-truths. This “inside-out” approach isn’t easy, but this is how we become who we should become – by understanding ourselves and then consistently acting upon these insights.

We are often tempted to take shortcuts, to look for quick fixes, to work on methods to “fake it” – to look confident, to be more sociable, desirable, “to win friends and influence people “. And often these “external” methods can help us get rid of limiting beliefs and behaviors, and benefit us in a concrete ways. But you can’t develop your character based on pretension, you can’t shape your life built on technique. Lasting change can only come from within.

Looking Out (But Keeping a Distance)

In the process of rethinking our assumptions about ourselves, we will inevitably encounter programs that promise solutions, truths and even happiness. And we naturally might be tempted to accept them as the whole truths and dissolve ourselves in them. This is in our nature to either fight or join. To hop between being a skeptic and an adept. But this isn’t what we need here: we need a spirit of exploration and examination, that is both open-minded and critical. And we also need to realize that no program, no mantra will work if it’s not in tune with our deepest needs and desires.

Be it religion, ideology, or a guru with all the right answers, they all may be valuable in our pursuit of answers. But they will only serve us if we keep a certain distance from them, always keeping a critical look, questioning their applicability to us, testing and integrating valuable insights but not immersing. Otherwise, instead of finding, we will loose ourselves, again subscribing to someone’s ideas.

Happy discovering to Marina and the rest of us :)

Private victories precede public victories, making and keeping promises to ourselves precedes making and keeping promises to others. It’s futile to put personality ahead of character, to try to improve relationships with others before improving ourselves. – Stephen Covey

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Last Day in Paradise – Leaving the Steppes

Posted on April 8, 2011 by Mike

Day 10

After breakfast, while waiting for a minivan to come and take us back to Tsetserleg, we went to sunbath at the river.

Apropriately to Mongolia, the morning rainbow is breathtakingly vast

 

When we returned, we saw a still warm body of a yak that has just been slaughtered. While watching a young man dismembering yak’s body, I realized that this is the same one that was taken out from the horde last night, and tied up to a tourniquet, where family members were usually leaving their horses.

Coincidentally, I photographed this yak the day before, not knowing that this would be his last picture alive

The yak was restless the whole evening, and the girls told me that they heard howling cries through the night. Apparently this tourniquet was the standard last stop for the to-be-slaughtered cattle, and the yak somehow anticipated his upcoming doom.

Yak's dismembered body

After finishing the butchering, the young man (guest of the house) is resting, paying his last respect to the animal, whose life he has taken

Cattle slaughtering is a business for the whole family. While the man slays the animal and dismembers it, carefully removing skin and collecting blood, the woman and the children wash the organs in water and empty the guts. Everything is used – blood and guts to prepare blood sausages, stomach boiled, the liver frozen and eaten raw.

While the men are outside, the woman washes yak's stomach and prepares it for boiling

 

Before leaving we brought the family some small presents, and they were happy to photograph with us. The woman brought us a large sack of white cheese snacks which served us well during the long road back to UB.

A cart full of dried white cheese is a reminder of the amount of hard work that this woman put to feed her family


 
The same Russian minivan that brought us to the white lake picked us up at noon, we said Bayartay to the family and drove away.

The trip back to Tsetserleg was a neurotic experience. We were used already to the bumpy road and the jumpy ride, but when it started raining, the road became a mash of dirt, complicating the driving and the navigation. At that moment I realized why those Russian minivans have an access to the gears mechanism right from inside the car. In a weather like this, being able to stop the car and tinker with it, not leaving the cabin is a significant advantage. At one point our driver was stopping every couple of kilometers to check up on the car.

Weather's frequent change of hearts was puzzling: mere hours after we were sunbathing, the heavy rain turned to hail


 
Soon the rain intensified and the car started leaking. While we were trying to seal the cracks (while routinely jumping and bumping our heads on the roof of the car), the backs of the last row of seats fell off. While trying to bring them back into upright position, I moved slightly the bags behind them, and the back doors of the car opened. Our baggage was dangerously close to be falling out from the car. I shouted frantically “jarlooch, zogs!” (driver, stop!), but at that point, that was just too much to bear. We were laughing hysterically.


 
When the rain became a hail, the driver pulled off next to a village house, and left the car without saying a word. After waiting for a couple of minutes, I went out to find out where did he go, only to find out that he was eating lunch in what seemed to be a local diner. Unable and unwilling to get angry, I called my friends and we sat together with the locals and sipped salted tea. Sitting on beds that were put together next to the table, we were laughing at the versatility of the diner – it seemed that it could turn into a motel in a matter of minutes.

After eight hours of driving, we were finally in Tsetserleg. Tired, but mostly hungry we went for a dinner to a nearby restaurant. Despite the abandoned look and the 80′s space decor, we enjoyed our warm meal. Hot shower and comfy beds were a welcomed reminder of the benefits of civilization.

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Turning 30, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Start Loving

Posted on March 12, 2011 by Mike

I never thought that turning 30 will be so painless. Just two years ago I dreaded this date, vaguely aware of the existential void it would unveil. Last year, having departed from most certainties of my life, I was coping with the realization that my life lacked any clear direction.

At this time I was reading Viktor Frankl. His words struck me:

“Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked”.

Without avoiding the crucial question of man’s existence, but also without prescribing any dogmatic truths, here was an invitation to self-examination, a compassionate wake-up call.

This powerful message has made a strong impression on me. It meant that feeling uneasy and anxious about life’s emptiness isn’t a fact of life. Instead, it can be taken as an impulse for self-discovery and change. Because if meaning is personal, unique and realistically-attainable, than it can be taken as a challenge that is available to anyone.

These days feel like the right time to look back on the passing year, with enough distance to be able to recognize a pattern, but without much accumulated hindsight which would invalidate it. But talking about personal growth without making it personal feels hollow. This is why I have chosen to share my and Oxanna’s story. I hope that my insights will be relevant to those of us who start on a path of self-exploration. And since any self-exploration starts from within, this is where the story starts.

Looking Within

My previous relationship has ended around December 2009. Despite a natural sense of loss and longing, I also felt strangely optimistic of the future. And that’s probably because I felt that now, better than ever I understood what was important for me in a relationship. I felt enriched, matured by the experience, that I wasn’t back to square one, but rather that I was starting from a new level of self-understanding.

Trying to figure out where the break-up leaves me, I started reflecting on the qualities that are important for me in a partner. With time, the list boiled down to this:

• Easy-going (open, flexible, unselfish, considerate, generally happy, enthusiastic, emotionally stable, sufficiently confident)
• Warm (feminine, tender, supportive, empathic, compassionate)
• Intelligent (sophisticated, emotionally intelligent, with sense of humor, open to new ideas, interested in the bigger world)
• Attractive (chic, neat)

Distilling the experience, accumulated from my previous relationships, this list (which was going through multiple revisions) was giving me a strange sense of comfort and reassurance. Probably that was because I felt that now I knew better what I really need in a relationship. This kind of self-reflection can help us feel confident that our chances of building a firm relationship are better today than they were yesterday.

Self-examination, books, personality tests, psychotherapy, allowing self-doubt, writing down insights about yourself, adopting beginner’s mind towards self-concepts – these are all building bricks of self-understanding on which better decisions of tomorrow may lie.

Opening to the World

I met Oxanna in a couch-surfing Purim party in Netaniya. We were both dating at the time, so our interest in each other wasn’t romantic. After the party we met again for a drink in a pub, and talked for hours about Russia, Israel, culture, society and everything in between. Now I see that this genuine interest in a person, in a conversation, detached from any long-term goals is an act of opening to the world. There was no hidden agenda, no plan. Just two people enjoying the most basic human gifts: company and conversation.

Opening to the world is about realizing that you don’t really know what the future holds, and where your happiness lies. It’s also about stopping trying to devise a plan or control your destiny. Instead, with the renewed connection to your core self, your needs and abilities we can let go of this grip and just let things happen. Having a good measure of self-understanding reassures us that whatever circumstances arise, we will know how to act. And this knowledge allows us to open to new, unexpected opportunities.

Exploring

Around May I was beginning to plan my big trip. Soon being between jobs, with enough money and without any liabilities, I felt that this is my opportunity to travel. But where can you find a partner for a 2-3 months trip, in the middle of everyone’s business?

Setting on an idea, even without having all the conditions perfectly aligned, helps you realize it. After mentioning my plan to Oxanna in a random Facebook chat, she told me that she was planning to travel to Mongolia, and invited me to join her. Somehow I felt that it wasn’t a mere courtesy call but a real invitation. After learning a bit more about Mongolia, and becoming fascinated by its wild beauty, I took the invitation. Coming to know Oxanna better during the past months through her commentary on my blog, I felt she would be a great companion for the trip.

After a month of preparations, we met in Ulaanbaatar during the July Naadam festival. Oxanna’s friend joined us, and for the next two weeks the three of us immersed ourselves in what central Mongolia had to offer. Oxanna’s easy-going attitude, my preparedness and Zhenya’s childlike happiness mixed exceptionally well, and allowed us to enjoy the trip by enjoying each other’s company. But it wasn’t only the nomadic way of life that caught up my attention. Having spent long hours tucked together in a ger or on an ox cart, I was becoming enchanted by Oxanna. Her joy of life, the depth of her personality and her unmistakable sensuality made me see her in a new light. But not willing to disturb the friendly atmosphere of our company, I wasn’t going to do anything about it, at least not at the time.

After returning from the steppes of Arkhangai, we spent our last days together in Ulaanbaatar. The girls planned to return home to Ulan-Ude, while I wanted to spend some more time in Mongolia. On one of the last evenings we decided to go to a popular night-club in the city, but Zhenya insisted that she was tired, and so I and Oxanna went there alone. When we returned home, I felt like we were a couple. Zhenya’s sensibility helped us reveal our feelings.

Two days later the girls returned home, but I stayed for a week to teach English in a children summer camp, and so our romance that had just begun, had to be postponed. Surrounded by mountains and curious kids, I could hardly subside my restlessness. The happiness of our mutual affection and the sense of something unreal happening were mixed with anxiety. “What does she expect from me?”, “Is it serious, for me, for her?” These were the kind of thoughts that were rushing through my head. I returned to Ulaanbaatar nervous, and took the next bus to Ulan-Ude.

We spent the following month together, living in Ulan-Ude and traveling through Buryatia. My nervousness disappeared once we were back together, because Oxanna’s attitude was so different from mine. For me, if something was good, it meant that it had to be pursued further at any cost. But for her, what counted was the here and now. Her willingness to enjoy the good things life can offer meant that she wasn’t preoccupied with other people’s perceptions, or her own plans. Instead, she was thankful for the happiness we shared in those weeks. And apparently her easygoing attitude was catching up with me, because my worrying was soon replaced with calm assurance that everything will be all right.

Taking one step at a time, giving time and space for the right words and gestures to take place, we were able to explore our romance, our affection and fascination with each other, without the inevitable pressure of long-term prospects. Embracing the uncertainty of our future together, we allowed ourselves to grow closer.

Making choices

Traveling together may seem like an experience that is removed from the usual daily routine, enough to create an illusion of a romantic relationship, where in reality there was just the romance of the situation. And while that may sometimes be true, in our case often there was nothing inherently romantic in the experiences we shared. Shaky hostels, flooded tents, freezing weather, stolen money, lost personal items – these experiences in themselves don’t hold much romantic potential. But the potential for intimacy, for opening up and revealing very personal parts of ourselves is tremendous. There is nothing more binding then night-long conversations when tucked in a tent, nothing more intimate then being there for each other, when exhaustion and frustration get a grip on you.

Our month together was coming to an end, and with it our time outside of time. I knew that I wanted to see Oxanna in Israel, but I also knew that this meant commitment. She was through with experiments, and I certainly wasn’t going to lay out promises which I wasn’t going to deliver. As the parting day was drawing near, there was no sadness in me. I knew that I had to do some thinking alone, but I also knew that our separation won’t be long.

My way home lay through a short trip to the Gobi desert. Its vastness, isolation and alien landscapes were an ideal background for the kind of thinking I needed to do. When I finally landed home after two and a half months abroad, the choice was obvious to me. In a couple of days we had a ticket and a date.

Choice is an intricate matter – it punishes both hurry and indecisiveness. But it may award courage and ignorance that are based on intuition. Robert Heinlein said that “in choice we grow”. By that he probably meant that making a choice is an experience that requires us to bring awareness to the gained and lost possibilities that are carried with it. And comparing the pain and the disillusion that following through with an opportunity might bring with the regrets we might have from not following with it, is a maturing experience.

Seeing Things Through

The month and a half we had to wait was tough for both of us. I was having periods of restlessness, second thoughts and general anxiety. Often referring to the photos of our time together, I was looking for a reassurance and an emotional support. In the same time Oxanna was having her own doubts – was I certain that I knew what I was doing? And what about my parents – how would they react? Being sincere about our worries in a sensitive and tender manner allowed us to support each other through this difficult time.

On the night Oxanna was arriving to Israel I went to meet her at the airport. After waiting for more than three hours past her arrival time, I was contacted by the border patrol officials and told that Oxanna wouldn’t be allowed to enter Israel. Pleas for common sense didn’t help. Shocked and confused, I called Oxanna and for a brief moment that we were allowed to talk, I tried to put on a brave face and support her.

Fortunately for us, the long inquiry that the officials put Oxanna through meant that the plane she came with has already left. The next plane of the same air carrier was leaving in three days – enough time to try to do something about this absurd situation. While Oxanna was waiting for her deportation in the detention center, I was trying to muster help. Three days of phone calls, trip to Tel-Aviv to meet with a lawyer, and two court appearances later, the hell was behind us. Home, reunited, feeling liberated and relieved, we were starting our life together.

Good things don’t necessarily come easy. If there was one thing I was going to learn, this was it.

Starting over in a new place isn’t easy. Communication barrier, lack of friends and familiar faces, uncertainty regarding visa and status, the inevitable tensions with parents – these make for enough reasons for a distress. But seeing your loved one being taken out from the familiar surroundings, like fish removed from water, and thrown on a shore, being expected to learn to adapt isn’t easy as well. And so is the realization that it’s on you to provide the life support system.

But strangely enough, happiness isn’t always deluded by difficulties. Sometimes, it’s reinforced. With proper communication and sensitivity conflicts can be discussed and resolved, tensions relieved and harmony regained. And when it does, time seems to stop. Passing timeless moments together in a leisurely conversation over breakfast on a Saturday morning, understanding each other without words, feeling your heart fill with joy without any particular reason – this puts things in perspective.

Whatever the past is, the future is never guaranteed. After all, as all human beings, we are capable of ruining everything. If we aren’t tender, sensitive, forgiving and able to see past immediate issues to the core of our connection, then there will be no one to blame if things turn badly. But I guess this is what “seeing things through” means – carrying on through difficulties, with patience and endurance. Not because of some stubborn stoicism, but because it’s worth it.

How I know? Because if there is one time in life when you can’t lie to yourself, it’s on your 30th birthday.

Today, I am not much more certain, accomplished or enlightened then a year ago. But in the same time, I guess I learned something about the nature of love, choice, change and maturity.

Am I content? Certainly. Am I happy? I am learning to be. And I couldn’t wish for a better teacher.

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